A lot has happened since I last posted here, I think I want to start using this space as a kind of online journal to see if anyone can relate to it. It would be nice to connect to people. I don’t know if this is a good idea or not. But I guess we will see.
I see that in my last post I was about to start ERP. Well, now I’m about to finish it. Tremendous progress was made on the OCD front, although it was quite a struggle, the whole way through. But now the real work begins.
Today, on my therapist’s recommendation, I contacted another therapist who specializes in trauma and DBT. That is pertinent, as I sit here and reflect on my loneliness, swiping on a dating app and finding no connections, and thinking about a whirlwind friendship that ended several months ago.
I met my friend on a Discord server hosted by a podcast host we both liked listening to. The Discord was a kind of little community and we formed a book club, reading Ulysses together over Zoom. There was an awkward moment during one of the discussions, and we both reached out to apologize to each other, and we just really hit it off. We bonded over mental illness, we talked every day about all kinds of things, it felt like I had a true friend. It felt very intimate in a way that is kind of hard to describe, and I eventually developed feelings for her and a weird kind of tension formed that I was never really able to sort out. It just felt so good to feel close to someone, even a friend on the internet, as I have had very little intimacy of any kind in my life.
We relied on each other a lot for support. I guess it was kind of codependent. And ultimately I became too much, relied on her too heavily for support, as the past year was tough, and everything just fell apart.
And I’ve been thinking about it for the past few months, alternatively being upset with her, trying to frame it as her fault and then realizing that I have no one to blame but myself and feeling deeply ashamed of my own behavior.
It was a really important friendship while it lasted, and now it’s over, and I just feel like I’ll never make another friend again.
And so I am hopefully about to start therapy for C-PTSD, which seems to be a diagnosis that fits me at this point, with my very weak sense of self, and tendency to cling to others or push them away while seeking as much space as possible, sometimes swinging between those two extremes. And my fear of rejection, deep sense of shame, and just never-ending emotional turmoil. These things begin in childhood, and maybe I will write about that in the future, but that feels a little too raw at the moment.
I know that I have so much more work to do, but it just feels like it never ends. And it is very hard to divorce a sense of being worthy of love from having to do this constant work to get people to love me. It feels like I’m not really worthy of love if I have to constantly fix myself, forever, for anyone at all to finally accept me. I don’t know how to reconcile any of this.
I fear that DBT will mostly consist of learning to stuff down my desires, needs, and fears, so that I don’t overburden other people. I just want to take up a little space, and to ask for someone to witness me.
I’ve been in the mental health care system since age 13, and I’m so tired of it. I feel like I have to fix all of these things before my life can finally begin, and I’ve been waiting a long time. I will be 40 in two years. This must be therapist 11 or 12 at this point. It’s hard to keep having hope. Why will it be different this time?
I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, autism, bipolar disorder, and OCD. I’ve been on anti-depressants, anti-convulsants, anti-psychotics, stimulants, benzos, beta blockers, TCAs, ketamine, and a handful of other stuff. I am exhausted with trying to fix myself.
And yet here I sit, alone, friendless, alienated, and just so sad, with another important relationship destroyed in my wake. What else am I supposed to do, besides stay in the system, keep working and striving, until I am finally good enough?
35 Year Old Loser 